Super Villain Eats Puppy

super villain

If you write novels and are racking your brains for a new super villain, you may think leaders of the free and not-so-free world make poor templates for future sons and daughters of anarchy.

But you’d be wrong.

Vladimir Putin: President of Russia

vladimir putinNarcissistic, creepy, Turkish bath loving Putin is so pumped full of Botox his face hasn’t moved in years. Taking every opportunity to whip off his shirt and flex his ageing pectorals, he is the epitome of evil in a world gone mad.

Putin has all the qualities you need for a super villain – an ex-KGB man, he’s a consummate manipulator who likes nothing more than oiling himself down and smothering hapless victims before a log fire inside his heavily guarded Kremlin state room.

Strengths: Has a crumbling superpower, vast resources of dirty money, and a history of subjugation behind him. He also eats puppies.

Weaknesses: Fluffy kittens and surgical stockings.

Henchmen: Several hunky men in ski-masks.

David Cameron: Prime Minister of the UK

david cameronPermanently paranoid puppet Cameron was genetically engineered by the Royal Family with the single aim of restoring the monarchy to its former glory. Cameron has an inbred fear of poor people and has tasked super villain in waiting Duncan The Terminator Smith to deliver a sophisticated pogrom against those he sees as inferior.

Cameron was born and raised in the hallowed grounds of a public school under the sea but is generally despised as a leader because of his plastic face and nylon Primark sweaters that reveal his man boobs.

Strengths: Tea making and embroidery.

Weaknesses: Anyone Scottish or who owns a pit bull.

Henchmen: Fluffy headed, fetish porn icon Boris Johnson and evil Chancellor of Whipping and Bondage Osborne the Glum.

Kim Jong-Un: Supreme Leader of the Democratic People’s Republic of Korea

kim jong unPodgy super villain Kim inherited power from his father but looks more like a troubled teen with a gun rather than a ruthless dictator. Kim’s power lies in keeping his minions standing, clapping and smiling. He does this by shooting anyone who sits down in his presence.

Individuality is frowned upon in North Korea and the mountains and sky have been painted grey. Flowers are banned and all the goats have been imprisoned for excessive bleating. Kim spends most of his time trying to find a hat that fits and shining his buttons.

Strengths: Has no idea what the rest of the world looks like but can bend straws with his mind.

Weaknesses: Short legs and over-sized genitals make him walk funny.

Henchmen: Anyone bland and still alive.

Angela Merkel: Chancellor of Germany

angela merkelWith a penchant for horse meat and frog eye kebabs, washed down with the odd stein of German lager, Merkel is really long lost country singer Conway Twitty in a body suit. Merkel’s cold and calculating politics keep a fragile Europe from descending into chaos but this belies a more playful side that includes colourful knitwear and Jager Bombing.

Often to be heard singing “It’s only make believe” in the bath, Merkel secretly fathered the demon love child of earth bound succubus Silvio Berlosconi which left her with excessive nose hair and the power to walk through walls.

Strengths: She holds the purse strings of Europe.

Weaknesses: She spent it all on string, which was the real cause of the world financial crisis.

Henchmen: Francoise ‘I-Did-It-My-Way’ Hollande (Elvis in a body suit) and Barack Obama (Third Elf Lord of the Hidden Veil in a body suit).

Serious super villain stuff

Whether you are going for comic book or more serious, your super villain antagonist should have all these characteristics:

  1. Your super villain should have a great power – either political, financial, emotional or something other worldly.
  2. Your super villain should appear unbeatable and possess an aura of invulnerability.
  3. They should be larger than life, colourful, in 3D, and unstoppable.
  4. They should have henchmen, the scarier and far removed from mainstream humanity the better.
  5. They should all do very nasty things on a regular basis.
  6. Your super villain should have a fatal flaw, hidden away for the moment, an ultimate weakness that will bring about their doom.
  7. Finally, your super villain should have a nemesis. Someone heroic but flawed who likes crumpets and Chardonnay.

Whatever you decide when you create your super villain make sure you “go big”. No one remembers a third rate villain and if you are too timid with their creation you could be setting your book back before it’s even begun.

Be bold. Be fearless. Set your super villain free.

Let The Feckless Goblin know in the comments section below what characteristics you think make a great super villain. Who’s your favourite? Who’s your least favourite? Which other famous people would make good super villains?

2 thoughts on “Super Villain Eats Puppy

  1. Ah, Feckless Goblin, if only you knew. Have you heard of Asif Ali Zardari and the Bhutto clan? Or Nawaz Sharif and his brother, Shahbaz? True evil is when you get your own wife killed for the glory of winning an election. It’s when people are setting themselves on fire outside your office because you choose not to listen to the problems of the masses you rule. True evil is asking someone who earns less than $2 a day to pay taxes while you, earning billions hidden away in Swiss bank accounts, pay $20 in tax.

    You want all the ingredients of super-supervillains? Come to Pakistan, the Land of the ‘Pure’.

    1. Thanks for that Natasha, don’t quite know what to say. You’re right of course. And I am humbled.

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