The Feckless Goblin guide to surviving The Rapture

the rapture

In case you’ve been hidden away in a barn with your pet goat these last few weeks, you’ll be aware that Saturday 21st May marks Judgement Day with the onset of The Rapture. For all those who have been striving to make their careers as Indie Writers, this, of course, will be a bit of a bummer.

Stop writing now, kids. The Rapture is a coming.

My dad’s cat is looking forward to it. Yes it is. For quite a while, the cat has been trying to convince us that The Rapture will actually happen and that we should drop everything and open our hearts to the big JC.

Foolishly, we have ignored the cat. On Saturday, it will be able to say “told you so”, though we haven’t been able to get across to said mog that said Rapture doesn’t apply to dumb animals (or does it? You decide). It will meow in a Cheshire Cat kind of way. Then we may kick it to death.

What is The Rapture?

The day when all good people are beamed up to heaven while the rest of us poor sods suffer various catastrophes from Tsunamis to nuclear meltdowns as the world slowly implodes (be calm children of the apocalypse, apparently it’ll be finished by the middle of October).

Some right wing zealots believe that there will also be a Zombie Apocalypse but I think that may be a case of wishful thinking on the part of zombie lovers everywhere who have been wishing the end of the world on us for at least the last ten years.

Is The Rapture real?

Does the Pope have a glass eye? You know, a big part of me, in fact all of me, wants this to be real. Not the Pope thing. The Rapture thing. Now, in case you’re wondering, I’m not likely to be transported to the heavens come May 21st (and, let’s face it, neither are most Christians.

But, come on guys, wouldn’t it make for a more exciting world if it was all coming to an end?

Well, it is at some point, because people apparently die or some such stuff…begs the question that, if we all die at some point and get judged in some sky kingdom thing by a guy with a white beard anyway, then what would be the reason for The Rapture…or maybe God just got bored and thought: fuck it, let’s blow the whole place up and start again.

In which case none of us are gonna make it!

So, The Rapture is probably another fake, end-of-days fuck fest just like all the others. Sorry to disappoint you. The only guarantee is that someone, somewhere, is making money out of it.

7 ways to make the most of Rapture Day

  1. Have a Rapture Party. Make sure you’re all there at 6pm local time when The Rapture in your neighbourhood starts. Be sure to invite “good” people in the hope that one of them will be beamed up in front of you.
  2. Tell Christians who believe The Rapture that they should be at a local bus stop by 6pm. Be sure to film the queue.
  3. Invite Christians to your party and scare the hell out of them by pretending to be Raptured. This can be achieved with the help of a few good friends, some torches, a bit of heavenly music and some cupboards.
  4. In the run up to The Rapture, why not sell tickets on e-bay – that little bit of extra money might just get you through the ensuing Armageddon.
  5. As The Rapture also marks the return of Christ, why not purchase a fake beard and smock and walk around your neighbourhood looking suitably pious and asking people if they have repented yet. Better still, gatecrash a church service and shout “Daddy’s home!”
  6. Make more cash by convincing believers to sign over their worldly goods as a mark of their faith.
  7. Take some of your old clothes and shoes and leave them lying around the neighbourhood after 6pm. Alternatively, leave tiny mounds of your grandmas ashes in strategic places like your local supermarket. Even more alternatively, leave a pile of hot pooh with the note: “Have been taken up.”

Things to look forward to if The Rapture really does happen:

  • Less queuing at places like Alton Towers and the soup kitchen.
  • More homes for the homeless.
  • No one to tell you that what you’re doing “is just plain wrong.”
  • The fun that can be had taunting the ones who thought they were going to be taken up and didn’t get taken up.
  • Great photo ops for all those natural disasters.
  • No longer having to pretend that you’re good.

I was going to say that the one downside would be all those people saying: “I told you so.” But then they’ll be beamed up and the one’s left behind will be too desolated to say such a thing.

Next week I’ll be blogging on Post-Rapture Depression.

Or maybe I won’t…See you on the other side losers.

How will you be celebrating The Rapture. Let The Feckless Goblin know, as usual, in the comments section below…

5 thoughts on “The Feckless Goblin guide to surviving The Rapture

  1. I didn’t realize there was an official date, but I guess I’ll be misding my born-again family members, seeing how I’m damned and all. On the up side, I’ll get to pick what to watch on Netflix from now on… 🙂

  2. HunterValleyYabby2 May 19, 2011 — 11:41 am

    I must have been hidden away in my barn with my pet goat. Sounds quite nice, actually: maybe I was.

  3. Better remind the cat that many Christian denominations consider animals to be soulless and, therefore, ineligible for the afterlife. Silly putty tat. Gotta read the fine print.

  4. This comment has been removed by the author.

  5. We were camping on that day and our friend’s 10 year old daughter was freaked out, the entire day, worried about the end of the world. Being the caring adults we are, we made fun of her.I’m pretty sure her parents can afford therapy for the dear girl as she ages.

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